Do you like being unhappy all the time?
Personally, I don’t.
I know what I want and what makes me happy, and I chase my goals with assertiveness and zero sense of inferiority, because I know I’m fabulous in my own regards.
What is assertiveness?
If you remember Plankton trying to teach Sponge Bob SquarePants to be assertive about ice cream cones, you may think it’s bad – but it’s actually a great quality!
Assertiveness is a healthy combo of aggressiveness, meaning that I go for my goals loudly and relentlessly.
Submissiveness means the exact opposite.
As a result, you get somebody who voices themselves clearly, confidently, without hesitation, and who respects and understands others’ and their opinions.
It’s the most effective style of communication.
On the other hand, you get people who are mostly aggressive, or in the case of this topic, submissive.
You know who they are, and it might even be you without you knowing it.
They’re the kid who gets bullied at school.
They’re the person who always deflects praise and compliments.
They’re that pathetic loser who always gets used and will sometimes squeak out weak protests that nobody listens to or even hears because they’re so quiet.
And they never raise their voice to S.P.E.A.K. up for themselves when they really need to.
So, what do you do?
“How do I stop being a human doormat?”, you might ask.
It’s time for you to learn how to open your mouth and S.P.E.A.K., because nobody else is going to keep defending you and nobody values your well-being more than their own.
If you don’t take control of your own life, you’re going to get used and abused perpetually.
1. Stand for your shit!
What’s yours is yours, period.
Whether it’s concrete like an object or abstract like an opinion, let it be known that it belongs to you, that this is how you feel about something, and stand your ground.
Don’t just crumble at the first hint of objection and give in if you firmly believe something.
Often times, people want to understand your thinking.
Assert yourself and try to reach a compromise at the very least, if neither parties’ views are sufficiently converted through discussion.
However, if it’s an object and it’s yours, then there is NO discussion.
You lent something and now you want it back? Take it back, it’s yours.
Someone wants to borrow your car, but you really don’t want to lend it?
No matter how used to saying “yes” you are, say NO.
It’s your car and your decision, and if they don’t like it, they can go fuck themselves because what you decide about your possessions is your right and nobody else’s.
Say no, and stand for your shit.
2. Put yourself first
Look after yourself before others.
There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t do so, unless the other person is dependent on you, such as a child or pet.
Most importantly, there’s no reason you should feel guilty about it.
It’s your life, so go forward, do what’s right for you, and don’t look back!
You simply aren’t responsible for everybody else and their misfortunes, so stop acting like it by going out of your way to do shit for them and let them handle their own problems. Just as you handle yours.
Their happiness doesn’t matter as much as yours, so stop sacrificing it!
3. Exercise your control
You have the utmost control over yourself and your life, so handle your shit.
Stop giving up your control to other people, and stop blaming them when they abuse that control, because you’re the one that gave it to them!
Not to mention that your whiny bitching isn’t ever going to change anything, because they know that it’s all you’re ever going to do instead of actually rising up to take back control like you mean it.
Some people may even try to give you control, like when your buddy asks you what movie you want to see.
But you just give it right back to them with an “Oh, I don’t know, you decide!” even though you do have something in mind that you’re afraid to mention, leaving them exasperated and tired of your shit because you never choose for yourself.
Furthermore, don’t let anybody prevent you from doing what you’re allowed to do.
You have basic human rights, just as much as anybody else, so use them to their fullest!
4. Apologize less!
I cannot stress this enough: stop saying sorry for every little thing!
It’s one of the most frustrating feelings in the world to be on the receiving end of this, and it even makes others feel bad sometimes, because they believe they’re doing something wrong to make you apologize so damn much.
As a rule of thumb, if somebody does something you wouldn’t apologize for that you don’t see as a “problem”, then don’t apologize for it.
That means don’t say sorry for being honest and speaking your mind; it’s not a fucking crime.
That means don’t say sorry for being yourself; it’s okay to be different.
That also means don’t say sorry for what you have absolutely no control over; it’s not your fault.
“I’m sorry, but-“
No! Cut that shit out of your sentences and just say it like it is.
You aren’t sorry, you’re just afraid of not having the approval to say or do what you’re entitled to… But the truth is you don’t need anybody’s approval because what they think about you really doesn’t matter.
5. Kill your excuses
“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Stop justifying the motives of people who constantly do you wrong.
It’s absolutely absurd, and it shows people that they can do whatever the fuck they want to you and get away with it, because you’re evidently as spineless as you are stupid.
Sure, you may say that you aren’t stupid, and I can certainly agree with that since you’re on this website looking for solutions, but the people who keep fucking you over are just as certain that you aren’t so smart.
And rightfully so, because you keep letting them get away with shit for nothing more than a slap on the wrist.
People who treat you as such AREN’T your friends, contrary to what you might think.
You think you’re being so gentle, patient, and understanding with your open forgiveness, when you’re actually making a mockery of yourself every single time!
When are you going to get the hint that they don’t respect you OR your boundaries?
Assuming you even have any boundaries to begin with, stop tolerating every act of bullshit that comes your way.
Now, imagine this scenario:
Your ‘friend’ cusses you for the hundredth time this week, because you politely expressed disapproval at them sitting in your seat, in your living room, with their mud-covered boots propped on your coffee table.
And here you go making excuses for them, like you’re so inclined to do.
So you say something in-response like:
“Oh, they’re just tired and irritable from today’s work, they don’t mean it. I’m sorry for even bothering them; how inconsiderate of me. Although I’m especially tired, considering that I did mine as well as half of their workload because they slacked about, I suppose I’ll let them use my chair.
I get to use it when they’re not around, and sharing is caring! Besides, there’s a folding chair in the garage I could use instead, and cleaning my coffee table and carpet of muddy prints would only take like 10 minutes. Maybe more if it hardens, but that’s okay; I have all the time in the world!”
Are you joking? Forget what’s wrong with your so-called friend – what’s wrong with you?
Stop being delusional and draw the line!
You need to:
1. Stand for your shit!
Be assertive; command your authority! It’s your home and your possessions, not theirs.
Have some dignity.
2. Put yourself first!
Who cares if they’re tired? So are you!
Furthermore, they obviously don’t respect you, so why the fuck would you bend over backwards and put them first?
You don’t owe them anything.
3. Exercise your control!
Get that asshole out of your chair, your home, or better yet, your life, because you do not and should not have to put up with that.
It’s not their fault there’s mud in your home, it’s your fault for neglecting your control and allowing it to happen.
4. Apologize less!
You’re sorry? Why yes, you are sorry – a sorry excuse for a human being if you keep cowering and apologizing for doing what’s morally sound and very well within your rights.
Stop apologizing for existing.
5. Kill your excuses!
It’s only going to get worse if you keep being so forgiving.
Take off those rose-tinted shades and see things for how they really are.
Stop being so lenient, set healthy boundaries, and enforce those boundaries, or people will happily continue to step all over you.
It ‘s obviously harder than it sounds, but if you allow yourself to S.P.E.A.K. vigorously, build up your self-confidence and alter your self-defeating belief system – you’ll dig yourself out of your submissive shit-hole and start to truly live life-like the confident bad-ass you’re meant to be.